previously on Dumbgeons and Dragons.
So what's the game plan here? We got to get out of here.
I think the game plan is we leave alive and we try not to, I don't know, kill anybody else
that doesn't deserve being killed.
The rat runs out and sees you running towards it and it begins making gestures.
But as you barrel through the door, who do they see?
They see the rat. They also see a very tall, strong, humanoid male, like six foot four,
has kind of like long, dark, scraggly kind of hair, and his skin is really quite gray and
mottled. Who are you?
Well, I've had many names. I've been called Artemis or Morn or Granger or Lee.
Okay. Yeah. No, that's great. What's your name today? We've got some shit happening
behind us. You may have to carry him.
Who?
Our nude dude.
Nude dude? Is he naked too?
No.
You peel out down the main road, out of Blackpool, which wraps around a black lake.
An explosion goes. You turn and look back and the city erupts and then gets
sucked back into the ground.
That kind of takes care of that.
I mean, we still got to tell people though, this is, this is a thing that's happening.
Yeah. No, no, totally. But I mean, yeah.
Welcome to Dumbgeons and Dragons. We're a D&D fifth edition actual play podcast,
and I'm your Dungeon Master Russ More. And with me today is Carla Maxted.
That is me playing a new character you met two weeks ago.
You still don't know his name. Mystery.
Beefy boy.
Beefy boy, let's say.
For now.
Also with me, Amy More.
That is I. This is I. It is me.
Yes. And I'm playing the Amastasia.
And Tom Laird.
C'est moi. And I am playing Flint Firebeard.
Ooh la la, très bien, Tom.
Merci, merci.
Oui, oui.
Beaucoup.
Très bien.
What are you throwing?
These are just the random words?
Like a grand jeté? Are you dancing?
Oh, maybe. Yeah, grand jeté.
Oh, there you go.
Yeah. These are just the random words that are coming back from junior high French
that are, yeah, copied a lot in that class.
Yeah.
Thanks, Michael Swanberg, wherever you are.
Oh, that's sweet.
Yeah. Yeah.
Anyways, where you probably won't be copying off your homework is over on Patreon.
Patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast.
Where when you're a patron, you get access to a whole bunch of really awesome content.
As well, you get an episode dedicated to you.
Like today's patron, Ryan Cushman.
Thanks, Ryan.
Thank you, Ryan.
And now, I feel like Russ one-upped all our thank yous.
I know, it was so sincere.
It was so sweet.
Thank you, Ryan.
Let's all do sincere thank yous.
Thank you, Ryan.
Ryan, thank you.
Ryan, I just want to say, I think from everybody, thank you.
Fuck it, let's play D&D.
Oh, previously.
Yeah, it's your turn.
We find our heroes, Flint, Thea, and Beefy Boy.
And Guac, maybe.
Yeah, Guac's still there for now.
Donnie.
Clip Clop and Tiny.
Battle Weary.
Oh, don't forget about the rat, Perseus.
Rat Perseus.
Okay, I can remember the name of your rat that was said once.
And I, I don't know if I'm impressed or disappointed with myself.
Choose impressed.
Yeah, I'm leaning towards impressed.
Okay, yeah.
Call it a win.
All of the characters.
We've gone from two up to seven.
Seven characters overnight here.
That now, now I have to come up with voices for them, probably.
That was a rat sound.
Is your rat talk?
I don't think so.
Did you see Ratatouille, Russ?
Sounds like Patton Oswalt.
All right, I'll work on my Patton Oswalt for next time.
We'll have to figure out a way to get Perseus to talk in this episode.
And then, Patton Oswalt next time.
Not the actual person, just me pretending to be Patton Oswalt.
Oh, but maybe Patton Oswalt.
But I mean, maybe he'll hear this and he'll want to guest star as Perseus the Rat.
Tweet this to Patton Oswalt.
If you're tired of being a love interest on Will and Grace,
come and join our podcast, Patton.
You could be a rat again.
What?
Big sell.
Time stamp it.
Send it to him.
Did we mention no pet?
Yes, this is pro bono.
This is for the good, from the good of your heart.
Because you love D&D so darn much.
I love D&D.
I don't know if you do, but who doesn't?
No, he just seems like a super fun guy.
Yeah, and he does that really good voiceover work on the Goldbergs.
Sold, right?
I'm convinced he should do it.
Me too.
All right, well, episode over.
Send it to Patton Oswalt.
Perfect.
Don't follow this up with anything.
Okay, well, that aside, you're all aboard the wagon.
And you're way back to where?
Waterdeep.
It's always Waterdeep.
Always Waterdeep.
And we...
How long have we been on the road for, Russ?
Years, it seems like.
Okay, Gwak is no longer with us.
She didn't die, she's just now a Jade serpentine now.
Oh, I thought you were talking, like, I mean, probably, it's probably, you know,
she's probably back.
Yeah.
It's been a, yeah, like half a day from where we previously left off.
Everyone just wanted her to fly.
Everything's still fresh, probably not even half a day,
because some of this conversation that we're going to have is going to be like,
oh, probably want to have that right after.
It'd be weird if we just didn't talk.
Four days later.
So, you got a name yet?
No, but yeah, it's probably soon thereafter.
So, your call, whether you keep her out or not.
I'm just going to have a nap.
Oh, sorry, nobody was jumping in.
And I always talk over Carla.
Go ahead with your Donnie nap.
Yeah, well, I'm just going to break the tension here.
I'm just going to have a little sleep.
I've got about six cows inside of me.
Was there no small voice inside you that told you to stop eating?
Yeah, but then I was like, cow, I don't care what you think.
I'm sorry, can you talk with the cows?
Well, after a while, it kind of sounds like they're talking.
It's like a fever dream.
Oh, then when like the meat gets a hold of you.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, I see.
Yeah, we're going for this whole continuity thing,
because we mentioned it in the other storyline.
That's right, just so much meat.
We're not vegetarians, if you can't tell.
Oh, he's out already.
I turn towards our new friend and I say, sorry about him.
Oh, that's all right.
I know how it can be when you eat a lot of meat.
It's tiring.
He's experienced a loss recently,
and I think he's turned to food for comfort.
Oh, well, I'm sorry to hear that.
Is anybody hurt?
I can help with that a little, if you need me to.
I mean, I'm a little bit banged up.
It's nothing serious,
but if you're doling out some healing, I'll take it.
Yeah, ditto.
I guess, how about, no offense to you,
but how about the horse?
Can I heal the horse that's still hurt?
Yes, please.
Then see what I've got left.
I feel like it's harder to find a good vet on the road.
You guys seem pretty tough.
I mean, we come from hardy stock.
Tiny got healed, right?
Mostly.
Yeah, Tiny had nine damage still.
Clipclop had six.
Clipclop has the lower surplus, though.
So maybe I will.
Can we pull the wagon to the side
so that I can, actually, I can probably do it a different way.
This healing business.
Yeah, I can.
Okay, I'm going to heal Clipclop for six points.
Perfect.
So Clipclop is healed.
Describe how it looks when you heal Clipclop, please.
So I concentrate and cast a spell,
and then you see me sort of slump slightly.
Are you okay?
Yeah, yeah, I'm, you know, just sometimes takes a little bit out of you.
And then I'm going to try to heal Tiny up the rest of the way, too,
because how much was there?
Nine.
Why did I roll a d20?
No one knows.
He's critically healed.
I'll heal Tiny for five.
Thank you so much.
Oh, it's, it makes me happy.
It's the only way I made my friend, Perseus.
He was really badly injured, and I healed him, and now he's my best friend.
And Perseus like comes out of my coat and sits up on my shoulder,
and it's just like being just so cute.
Just really very like embodies like a real Patton Oswald kind of quality.
That's very endearing.
Very endearing.
Well, we know the name of your rat, but what's your name?
Yeah, so it's, I guess I don't know anymore.
I've had a lot of names, and I don't really feel like I'm
any of those people entirely anymore.
So Artemis, Morn, Granger, Lee, I've been all of those, but I think I'm different now.
So I'm not entirely any of those.
I can't claim any of those.
So I guess I'm on the lookout for my new name.
Yeah, is this going to be a thing where just like
your name will present itself to you and then you'll be like, yep, that's the one.
Or would you like us to name you?
Well, I mean, we're probably going to be on the road for a while.
Why don't we spitball some ideas?
What do you guys got?
How do you feel about Sparthasius?
Well, I don't know how to spell it.
Sounds powerful, but hard to yell.
Yeah, yeah.
It's like Sparthasius, get to the wagon, it's hard.
Maybe something short, something concise.
One or two syllables, you know, like packs of punch, kind of like I do.
Something strong, something with bill.
All right.
You know, I'm not really good at naming.
Flynn, why don't you give it a go?
I'm just going to, you cured our horses.
The least I can do is take care of the rest of everybody else.
And I mass cure wounds.
Oh, boy.
Yeah, I don't know.
I mean, I'm not super great with names either.
Let's maybe like Owen, is Owen a good name?
Well, I guess I don't know your guys' name.
Sounds like your name's Flint.
Yep.
Yeah, that's me.
Flint Firebeard.
And you?
Thea.
Amastasia.
Oh, damn it.
Thea Amastasia, damn it.
Yep, that's her name.
From the back of the wagon, you hear Bursa.
Oh, God, you knew the names of the cows.
It'll only hurt for a second.
Sorry, everyone can heal 26.
I will do that.
So, Flint and Thea, I think I've heard of you.
Maybe.
We wreck shit wherever we go.
We did a few things.
Well, I think the world owes you a great debt.
So, thank you for what you've done.
You mentioned having a bunch of names.
How old are you?
That's a really personal question, Flint.
Oh, my God.
Well, I mean, usually people don't have multiple names
that they feel they don't have a part of anymore.
Well, I mean, I guess the age thing kind of ties into that.
Am I 62?
Am I 35?
Am I 17?
Am I 2?
I'm all of those things.
Well, what was the highest when you said 62?
So, are you 62?
Well, in some ways.
Okay.
Where are you from?
Well, I mean, I'm from water deep,
but also somewhere along the Sword Coast
and deep in the woods and up in the mountains of Baldrack.
I mean, I'm kind of from everywhere in a way.
You are a very interesting fellow.
Oh, well, I mean, seems like a crazy thing
for one of the decimators of dragons to say.
But I mean, we've always just been like,
I've always just been Flint.
She's always just been Thea.
You sound like you've been multiple people
in multiple locations and there's a lot going on there.
And I'm like 125 years old or something like that.
Can't remember how old I am.
Perseus climbs down onto your lap there
and kind of looks up at you like just shrugs,
like they ain't getting it.
And then climbs back up into your pocket.
Oh, thank you, Perseus.
I think maybe I'm being a little bit unclear.
Just a skosh.
It's, I don't, I don't get a,
I haven't had a lot of chances
to just sit and chat with folks
in the last couple of years.
Oh, I have a less personal question.
Oh, that'd be great.
So you said that you were locked up
because you were not willing to help
with the big old orcas undead plan.
Yes.
Were you sought out to help?
No, no, I, you know,
I'd been somewhere else up in the mountains
and then I left that place
and I was just searching for a life
or friends or something.
And I came into that cursed town
and they wanted me to join them.
They were creating undead and orcas
and, you know, end of the world
and all of these horrible things.
And I wanted no part of it.
And then they locked me up.
Why wouldn't they just turn you
into one of the undead?
Well, I mean, you said you weren't going
to ask any more personal questions.
It's kind of a personal question in that.
I guess I am a little undead myself.
Just a little undead?
Just a scooch of undead.
Flint, you see coming up ahead of you
on the path, there's a herd of goats
that's covered the pathway,
the road in front of you.
I lean back and I go,
Johnny, you hungry?
So just a little undead.
I've never, I really hope this is,
I'm very sorry for my ignorance.
I've never met a partially undead person before.
Yeah, I don't, I might be the only one of me.
I hope in many ways.
I am the only one of me.
That sounds terribly lonely.
It is.
I mean, not anymore.
I have Perseus now.
Perseus, he seems great.
And he's great.
And I've met you nice folks.
And that's nice.
But it's been a hard couple years.
I haven't really known how to be a whole human
for a couple years.
Oh gosh, I've got so many more personal questions.
The wagon has come to a full stop
in front of this herd of goats
that is not moving currently.
Can I just say, when you first said herd of goats,
I thought you said herd of ghosts
and I was like, oh, how wonderful.
And we stopped for them just out of respect.
Like we could go through them,
but I mean, come on.
Yeah.
The sign says ghost crossing.
Goats.
Can I get out
and try to animal handle these goats too?
Hi-yah.
You may.
Get along little doggies.
He is so fucking into animal handling.
Totally.
It's really turning over a new leaf.
That is a 22.
Okay, describe to me how you handle these animals.
I hop out and I make like a
sound and I start clapping my hands
at the goats nearest, like, you know,
to move them in this direction that I want them to.
And they do that thing.
They do.
One of them turns back at you
and just lets out this hideous scream.
Like how goats scream like people.
Okay.
I yell back at it.
This could go on for quite a while.
Trot off.
Takes a moment to clear, but pathway is clear again.
I jump on the wagon.
I give a gentle hi-yah to the horses.
Clint, as you kind of turn and look back,
there is a goat sitting beside you, looking at you.
Well, hey there, little partner.
I expected Flint to look over and be like,
fuck is your problem.
Coming along for the ride.
I've started the cart like we are going.
It's just staring at you.
I lean forward and I say,
goat buddy, we've got a dragon in the back.
We have a Wormling in the back.
Looks to the back and then moves closer to Flint.
Can I roll a perception check
to see if there's anything unusual about this goat?
Other than the fact that it, like, you know,
climbed up into the...
It's clearly imprinted on Flint.
Are you, like, you're actually not just,
like, glancing at this, you're actually looking at it?
Probably investigation or nature or animal handling.
Any of those would probably be better than perception.
Okay, let's say investigation.
That is a 19.
You give this goat a thorough look over
and it appears to just be a regular old goat.
As you do so, it shifts closer to Flint.
It's probably almost up in his lap at this point
as you are looking him over.
What are you going to name it?
What's a good goat name?
Boots.
I mean, you guys seemed fond of Bill.
Like a billy goat.
Oh, yeah, I think we got to go with that.
Wait, was that your inspiration
for choosing the name the first time?
No, I haven't seen a goat in ages.
Sorry, Bill's off the table now.
My new friend.
Okay, no, I'll accept that.
I'll accept that.
Bill is the perfect name for this goat.
So, Flint, until something happens,
please add a goat companion to your character sheet named Bill.
Intuit.
Sometimes Russ just gives you a goat.
You know what they say?
Is that in extras?
Where do I put that?
Put it wherever you feel it fits.
It's probably extras or notes.
Perfect.
Okay, well.
You guys are heading to Waterdeep?
Yeah, yeah.
Is that probably got a report to some kind of authority
about this whole orcas, zombie horde, abyss?
Oh, yeah, the arcane brotherhood?
No one corrected me, so yeah.
That's gotta be the one.
I mean, we got multiple people we could tell about this,
Guilden and I, or all sorts of things we could tell.
Which may or may not be any of your business,
because we don't really know you that well.
That's fair, that's fair.
Do you mind if I tag along with you for a while, though?
No, not at all.
No, yeah.
I can be pretty handy in a fight.
I didn't get much of a chance to show you.
Maybe when we pass a town we could stop
and I could pick up a few weapons.
I am a little better with a weapon than I am
just with the old fists, you know?
Well, yeah, you demolish that one skeleton with that sword,
so I believe it.
Speaking of which, thank you for letting me use this.
Hopefully we'll come across a place soon
I can just get my own weapons.
I should give this back to you.
And I hand him back.
What I think is just a normal sword.
Can I put the normal-looking sword away and say,
okay, but if we come across something in the meantime
and you need it again, don't hesitate to ask.
I appreciate it.
Thanks.
How far is Blackpool from Waterdeep?
Probably about three days.
Okay.
Yep.
Well, got a goat, so things are looking up.
So what kind of goat is this?
It's a goat.
Is it like a Nubian?
Is it like a dwarf?
Fainting.
Is it a fainting goat?
A shaggy.
What kind of goat do you want, Tom?
Ears or no ears, Tom?
Definitely ears.
So it's an eared goat.
You know, when you picture a goat,
that's the goat that it is.
It's white, it's got a beard, it's got ears.
Is it a boy goat?
It's name's Billy.
That doesn't necessarily make sense.
I did say it was a boy.
Oh god, that dialogue's gonna get smelly, you guys.
We're in the open air.
Doesn't matter.
Okay.
Thea knows, somehow.
Don't ask her how.
Because of all her farm experience.
That's right.
She always got sent to the farm.
She interned a goat farm.
See, I would have thought like
sent to one of those like scared straight ranches.
She probably got sent to like one of those schools
for proper children, like a finishing school.
She wasn't fancy enough.
You travel for the better part of the day
and don't come across any more goats
or livestock off in the distance,
but no real challenges.
No goat roadblock.
No other goats join the party?
No, just the one.
It's getting kind of late and about the time
when you would normally be setting up to camp
or discuss how you want to get through the night.
Usually I get through the night
by rocking back and forth and silently screaming,
but I think maybe we should probably just make camp.
Hey, I think there's a clearing up ahead.
Maybe this is a good place for us to stop?
Yeah, sure.
That sounds good.
I'll get working on the firewood.
I mean, I got this axe after all.
True.
Just let Donnie know when you're ready.
He's got to start pulling his weight here.
That was no pun intended because he did eat like seven cows.
Six cows.
You can still help light a fire.
Yep.
I mean, quite easily for him.
Sure.
Got it.
Done.
Do you guys sleep rough or you want me to set up a tent?
We're usually under the stars kind of people.
Okay.
They do snuggle.
If it's cold.
That's nice.
Yep.
And like you don't like things.
Of course I was having bad dreams.
Nice thing about having friends.
Okay, Flint, you go off to start hacking down some wood.
As you're doing so, an arrow zips by your head
and impales in a tree.
Am I able to determine where said arrow came from?
You go into your mind palace.
Beautiful mind this thing.
Trajectories, numbers, equations.
Some sort of like, you know, arc and distance and speed and velocity.
All of those things happen and you can narrow it down.
It cut through kind of a clearing and follow the direction of the arrow
and it comes out into an open clearing within this forested area
that you've pulled off beside.
And you hear yelling coming from one side.
You see an arrow zip by.
How far away am I from my peeps?
I'm going to say you got in, you know,
as far as you probably were thinking that you needed to go to get the good wood.
Okay.
So you were in there.
Got to go deep to get the good wood.
Got to get that deep wood.
I always say.
Uh, yep.
So, I mean, it's a, it would be, you were in probably 15 or 20 minutes in
chopping up stuff.
So depending on how far you went.
I mean, so probably out of like shouting distance.
Yes.
Okay.
I'm going to, I'm going to call out, say, uh, I don't, I don't mean to cause a fuss,
but you better stop shooting at me here pretty soon.
An arrow zips by your head again.
Individual who shot the arrow yells out.
Don't trust them.
Who's them?
I'm by myself.
Don't trust me.
Don't trust you.
Don't, don't trust me.
It's the middle time.
Hey, middle.
Stuck in the middle with you guys.
My favorite people.
And we're back.
After such a long break.
Such a break.
We had some great fill in episodes though, from the end of time and other bothers and
the broadswords.
And if you haven't listened to them yet, go listen to those.
Cause they're equally as entertaining.
So lovely, lovely people.
And they're just lovely people.
The best people.
But after you do that and after you listen to this episode,
you should go listen to our new show.
Yeah, we have a new podcast.
It just came out.
It's called Facing Fate.
I was going to make a joke about one of our various other side podcasts,
but no, this one's legit.
This one isn't a joke where we say,
let's make that a podcast.
We actually made another podcast and it's good.
And it's an actual play still.
So we don't change it up too much there.
But the hook is it's a horror sci-fi thriller.
Yeah.
But does it involve any hooks?
I mean, there's hooks in the background.
It's not prevalent, but you see them in kind of the back scene.
I see them in this audio medium.
I took a long time really setting the scene.
There's going to be a new edit and it's just going to be like,
you look around the room and see hooks,
and then it'll be the rest of the normal episode.
But no, Facing Fate.
Season one is called Lunacorp.
Each season is going to be a different story.
And right now is a great time to hop on
because it's 10 episodes and it just started this week.
So we've linked it down in the description
where it's been linked for a while,
but we've been getting ready for it.
And now it's here.
It's ready.
And the feedback so far has just been wonderful.
So thank you if you have listened to it already
and told us that you really like it.
So that's it everybody.
Please go listen to Facing Fate.
Notice the hooks in the background.
And really just tweet Tom every time you see a hook.
Sure.
Yeah, please do.
Now we'll get you back to this episode
where we have a whole bunch of fun.
Okay.
Bye now.
Bye.
Bye-bye.
You definitely see the directions of the arrows
are coming now.
And you see just the tops of heads
poking up above some piles of wood and stone
on either side of this clearing.
There's two people that you can see.
And I don't mean harm to anyone.
I'm just grabbing firewood.
But again, you got to stop shooting at me
or we're going to have problems.
Well, what if he shoots at you again?
Maybe you could take care of him.
Who?
Who are you talking about?
That person over there.
I can't stand up otherwise they'll shoot me.
Oh, you guys are shooting at each other.
Yeah, it's a doppelganger.
I'm not.
You're the doppelganger.
Oh, okay.
Tell you what.
Let's both put our bows down
and I'll be the judge of who the doppelganger is.
The voice from the far side calls out and says,
how do I know that he hasn't hired you
to come tell me to put my bow down
so he could shoot me because he's the doppelganger?
My price is exorbitantly high.
He can't afford me.
Oh, okay.
Well, you tell him to do it first then.
All right.
Let's both do it on the count of three.
Okay.
I want to see hands up in the air.
No bows.
One.
Make a persuasion check as you're counting.
Two.
19.
Three.
On three you see the far side.
You see the hands go up.
It says fine.
You see the one raise his bow hand that's nearer to you.
You can't quite see make him out from where you are
but you see his hand go up.
Now I just see one hand from you.
I want to see both hands.
If I get shot, I'm coming after you.
Well, if you're the only two people shooting at each other
and you both have your hands in the air,
no one's going to be shooting.
Maybe he hired you and thought that he's trying to trick me.
No one can afford my price.
See his other hand go up.
Okay, there we go.
Off to a great start here, guys.
Now let's stand up slowly so I can get my peepers on you.
As they begin to stand up, you see two exact similar dwarfs
dressed in travelers clothes, medium length brownish beards,
just glaring at each other,
looking over towards you and glaring at each other.
Okay.
Back at the camp.
What are you two up to?
Four up to, five up to.
I'm probably getting rashes out.
I mean the horses are just horsing around.
Who usually like cooks and things.
On these camp out to yours.
We usually take turns.
We have a lot of pre, a lot of dried meats, well, aged cheeses.
There's not a whole lot of cooking that happens, to be honest.
I mean, every once in a while,
Flint will, you know, catch a rabbit or something like that.
I can't, I can't watch when he does it,
but after it's cooked up,
I can usually stomach a piece if I need to.
Speaking of, do you, does it normally take so long to get wood?
I mean, he did have that very nice axe.
Maybe he likes to test it out or kind of enjoy some alone time out there.
Well, you know what they say about a man in his wood.
It's his best friend?
Yeah, and he likes to enjoy it alone in the forest.
They're never coming to check on you, Tom.
No, that is what they say though, so that's fair.
That got away from me.
Actually, no, knowing what I know about Flint,
I feel like he probably got into his own head a little bit,
went kind of chop happy and could be wandering the forest.
We should probably go check on him.
It has been a while.
Okay, yeah, let's go see how he's doing out there.
Maybe he needs help carrying back some wood.
Maybe he does, yeah.
Donnie, can you stay and protect the horses?
Yeah, you got it.
Don't nap.
I will watch with a keen eye.
Two eyes.
With a keen eyes over these horses.
We go in through the same way we saw Flint leave.
Make a survival check.
Oh, God, no.
Oh, no, it's okay.
It's a plus four.
17.
15 for me.
Both of you find and follow the path.
No problem.
We'll cut back to Flint before you find him though.
You are standing before two dwarves
that look from what you can tell exactly alike.
They're glaring.
Okay, so we've got a,
you were saying the doppelganger situation here.
They both at the exact same time.
Yes, he is the doppelganger.
No, no, I understand the premise here.
You think he's a doppelganger.
He thinks you were the doppelganger.
I got this.
Where are you guys from?
What clan?
Wait, one second.
Hold on here.
I go over to the one on the left.
I say, tell me the name of your clan.
Whisper it in my ear.
He looks to you.
He says, from the Rockrax clan.
All right, all right.
Do I know of a Rockrax clan?
Is that a thing?
Yeah.
I mean, I know that like,
is it a famous Dwarven clan?
Make a history check.
Oh, I get advantage on history checks.
But only when it's related to stone.
Otherwise, I just get it.
It's Rockrax.
I mean, yeah, but is that really related to stone?
Maybe they work with rock.
But I do have a plus nine, so that's a 26.
Yeah, they're not super famous,
but you've definitely heard of them in the histories.
Not every clan can be famous.
No, no, that's it.
I just wanted to know if it was a thing I'd heard of
or if it was like completely made up.
Yep, it's a thing.
All right, you stay here.
And I shuffle over to the other dwarf and I say,
OK, you tell me which clan you're from.
He looks at you and says,
like he's trying to piece it together.
The Rockrax.
OK, Rockrax.
OK, OK, OK.
He's trying to read your face.
Yep.
I'm going to do I still have the axe
that I recovered the Brunner battle hammer king axe
thingamajigger?
It would be I don't know if it's on your person,
but you still have it.
I mean, it's pretty valuable.
I'd probably keep it.
What axes do you have on you?
Jesus.
So many axes.
Haven't you ever seen those cartoons
where it's like what you think it is
and then what they actually is
and they have like 80 weapons sticking out of their back?
Fair enough.
Yep.
Sure.
Then yeah, probably you have it on you.
So I pull it out and I say,
do you happen to know what this is?
You see his face kind of drop and he's like,
that's.
Quietly, quietly.
That's, if I'm not mistaken, an excellent lookalike
of the lost axe of Brunner battle hammer.
OK, OK, OK.
What makes you think it's a lookalike?
Well, because it was lost.
OK, no, that's fair.
I'm just, you know, just curious.
I shuffle over to the other dwarf and I say,
do you do happen to know what this is?
He, too, looks at it in disbelief and says,
that's the.
He I'm assuming I can't touch it,
but that's Brunner battle hammers axe
or one that looks just like it.
Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure.
So it's a pretty good,
pretty good replica you're thinking.
I mean, unless you found it or were the one to have stolen it,
which makes me want to back away from you.
Slowly back away from me.
Oh, I see.
Yeah.
And I lean forward to him and I'm going to roll a persuasion roll here, Russ,
because with my belt of dwarven kind,
I get advantage on persuasion checks with with dwarves.
All right, tell me, tell me what you want to do and then roll.
I say, you know, would you believe me if I told you this was the real X?
And you'd be honest with me if you were the doppelganger, right?
Roll your persuasion.
That is a 18.
I mean, you seem like a very trustworthy individual,
and I would I'd have it under good authority to believe you.
Something tells me that this might be it.
And of course, I would tell you if I was the doppelganger,
but it is he that is the doppelganger.
Right, right, right, right, right.
Do I happen to know some like obscure piece of dwarven
history that I can like entrap one of these two guys with?
It's hard when the doppelgangers are strangers to you, right?
Like, I don't know.
I don't know much about their clan.
They both seem to recognize the X.
Yeah, I mean, you toss something out and roll a history
and then that will determine if it's true or not.
All right, I see what you've done.
You put it back on me.
Touché, fine sir, touché.
Shall I open it up to the think tank here?
Does anyone have any ideas?
At this moment, Thea and Beefy Boy,
you find your way to the open clearing and you peek out
and you see Flint brandishing what you recognize as
Brunor Battle Hammer's axe, Thea, to another dwarf,
another dwarven male, and you see another
dwarf and male standing across the clearing who looks
eerily similar to the one that Flint is talking to.
Well, this is a weird little situation we've stumbled upon.
It is.
I mean, I guess they could just be twins,
but that seems unlikely.
I don't see how we could possibly help this situation,
but let's go try.
I think I'm just going to stay here for a minute and
take things in.
Sure.
So I'm going to spend one minute observing these creatures
and then I can learn information about them
compared to my own.
So I want to see if there is a difference between them.
It's know your enemy.
So I can watch them and see if they are stronger than me.
In the out of game thing, I can know like,
what level they are, their hit points, their strength score.
So I want to watch them and see if I see a difference
between the two of them.
Sure.
We'll play it more narratively.
And I don't feel like that's going to help either way,
but I'll suss them out.
Okay, I'll send you something in the chat here
momentarily that you can use for that.
Okay.
Um, okay.
So you're coming up with something history as you see
Thea come in as you're just kind of standing there
thinking real hard about history.
You guys have been standing in silence for like a while.
Is everything okay?
Well, it seems like we have a bit of a doppelganger
situation here.
He claims that one's the doppelganger
and that one claims he's the doppelganger.
Weird.
Hey, are dwarves like naturally resistant to anything
like poison or anything like that?
Well, I mean, we've traveled together a long time.
I feel a little insulted.
You don't know that answer.
But, uh, yeah, poison.
They've started drinking already.
All right, fellas, I have a solution for you.
What?
And then from across.
What?
All right, come together, come together.
I'm going to I'm going to I'm going to look at you
like look at me in the eyes and I'm going to be able
to just tell which one of you is the doppelganger.
Are you ready?
Oh, okay.
Yeah, she's she's really good at this, guys.
Not her first doppelganger situation.
Right, right.
Yeah, I I look at them and I'm like, you know,
your eyes, my eyes, look at each other.
And then I cast poison spray on both of them.
Why would you what are you doing?
Well, only one of you should be resistant to that.
So they rolled damage.
Yeah, I guess so.
Because they still take damage from it.
I guess they do.
I mean, resistance, not immune.
But wow, poison spray is a big one.
No, I'm only going to use it as a cantrip.
But if I use it at like.
And they both die like.
Oh, no, shit.
It's 3d12 damage.
Oh, that's only a four and a two.
That's six plus five is eleven.
Okay, that's not too bad.
Eleven poison damage.
Who's feeling good, fellas?
Well, I mean, you just sprayed us with.
Yeah, I did.
I did.
Yep.
Sorry.
So sorry.
I don't know what you're trying to gain from this
because they both still take poison damage.
Regardless of resistance or not.
It's not like their skin melts.
It's a gas.
But one should seem more damaged than the other.
They seem exactly the same damage level.
I turn to Flint and I say, sorry.
Totally thought that would have worked.
I mean, I'll admit, I was very surprised.
They look to each other and they kind of.
They're much closer now, obviously, because they came to
get blasted in the face with poisonous gas.
Yeah, they did.
They're like, why don't you hire her?
And then they start.
Oh, no, he couldn't afford me.
Raise a hand.
What's it with you two?
And they start to move towards each other to start fighting each other.
Hmm.
Maybe we should just let them do get out.
I mean, I don't really feel like that answers the question
of which one of them is the doppelganger.
Oh, hold on.
Oh, I get a faint aura of any visible creature
or object in the area that bears magic.
Not magic.
Oh, God.
All right, Russ, I figured out my dwarven history.
I'm going to ask them if they can recite the oath of dwarven allegiance.
Oh, it's a good one.
Every dwarf knows.
Every dwarf has learned this.
Do I know what the dwarf.
I think you do.
I mean, it's not a real thing.
I pledge my allegiance to the clan.
Yeah, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
Like we've all learned in school.
All right.
So go for it there.
All right.
So that is a 20, but it wasn't critical
as far as my history check goes.
You want us to say the oath of the dwarven clan of the rock racks?
I mean, just the generic dwarven clan oath.
Yeah, and then they both start up very like almost in cadence.
We pledge the allegiance to the clan of the dwarves
and we are the rock racks and we like to party.
The mighty, mighty rock racks.
Doesn't matter what you say, we will beat you anyway.
And they go on.
So they both know it.
They both, they both like, yeah, like, like they learned it together.
Are you sure one of them is a doppelganger?
He's the doppelganger.
No, he is.
Are you sure you're not just twins?
No.
I'm going to come join this long pause.
Incredible conversation now.
Who are you?
That's a loaded question.
Do you hire that one too?
Okay, you guys can't afford any of us.
We've been over this.
You don't know what we can afford.
Yeah.
Hey, here's the thing.
Empty your pockets.
Well, I left my-
Empty your pockets.
Left my satchel.
Empty up.
Empty their pockets.
Does one of them have government issued ID?
Yeah, is there going to be just a business card that says I'm a doppelganger?
I'm wondering, does one have nothing in his pockets and the other one have things?
Both empty their pockets, a few random pieces of coin.
I need to know more about doppelgangers, you guys.
So philosophically, are you guys just mad?
Why are you fighting?
It should be a compliment.
Someone wants to be exactly like you.
Seems nice.
Except a doppelganger sneaks into your life,
murders you, and tries to take over your whole existence.
Oh, that doesn't sound good.
Oh, that is bad.
Yeah.
What do you got going on that's worth taking over?
Yeah, no, great question.
Are you high up in your plan?
Yeah, well, I mean, I've got, you know, that big promotion coming to work.
And clearly it's next in line to the big boss.
It's the Rock Racks.
Whose name is?
Gwendover.
Gwendover Rock Rack.
Russ defaulting to a G name?
It's been a while.
I'm amazed.
Okay.
Got anyone special at home?
Well, not right now.
Oh, no, it's okay.
There's nothing wrong with that.
You don't have to rub it in.
Geez, what'd you hire them just to make me feel bad?
No one here is hired.
Well, it's very convenient that the three of you has come along
and you're trying to stop me from killing this doppelganger.
Do you have a mom or a sibling?
Someone who might know something about you.
It's awfully hard for us to tell you two apart.
Both of them say at the same time, yeah, we have, yeah, sure.
Have parents?
Oh my God.
I smack both of them.
You guys are just twins.
Oh, you little bitches.
Come on.
If you're trying to rob us, I swear to God,
we've got a Wormling back there that's probably made
roasted shish kebabs out of whoever else you're working with.
I hit them again.
I'm not trying to rob you.
I'm trying to kill him.
Piss me off.
So you were trying to kill him?
Yeah.
Well, I mean, he's trying to kill me too.
Well, no, it kind of goes both ways.
Who's mom's favorite?
Who was trying to kill who first?
That's what I want to know.
One of them kind of has this like,
gives a big sigh and scowls.
Which question am I answering?
Who was trying to kill who first question?
Well, I might have tried to
throw him under a wagon once or twice before.
Oh, so I guess we also know the answer
to the who's mom's favorite question.
Yeah, probably.
Not me.
Yeah, no, we got that.
Not Greg.
No.
Oh, Greg.
No.
Oh, Greg.
Thru Dwenir over there.
What?
His name, Thru Dwenir.
Thru Dwenir and your name is Greg?
Thru Dwenir.
Yeah.
Okay.
Well, then I don't know if he's the favorite.
Wow, so not the favorite.
I think you may have gotten the.
I don't know.
I don't know which of those is better or worse.
I mean, one is more whimsical.
It's true, yes.
Thru Dwenir goes back in the rock racks quite many years.
Ah, yes, but the tale of Greg will live on.
I think you see why I'm up against Greg here.
The ballad of Greg.
Yes.
Oh, dear Sir Greg.
Okay, I think you guys just need to just quit it.
Greg, you need to move somewhere else.
Don't live in your brother's shadow.
That's bullshit.
Yeah, make your own way.
Why do I gotta move?
We don't got to.
You have the opportunity to.
Right.
Okay, so.
Right.
Stop thinking.
Poor me.
Oh, no, man.
Okay.
Hey, you gotta make your own breaks in this world, Greg.
Okay.
Yeah.
Okay.
Great.
You hear that Thru Dwenir?
Yeah.
See, I'm going to go with these folks.
And we're going to make our own path.
Oh, no.
What?
The other dwarf who you now know is Thru Dwenir.
So fine.
No one cares.
See if anybody will cry that you don't come home.
Bye.
He begins walking off.
All right, friends.
Looks like we have some adventuring to do.
You've freed me from my hostile family.
I turned my back while he was talking.
I'm like, guys, I'm so sorry.
This seems to happen a lot, I feel.
You're just a natural born leader.
People want to follow you.
I think it's true.
You've adopted two strays and a goat in the last 12 hours.
Three strays if you count Perseus.
Oh, yeah.
Well, we can't forget about Perseus.
Who's a Perseus?
Oh, this is Perseus.
And he climbs out of my pocket.
Oh, got a little rodent friend.
Do you also have an animal companion with you?
No, do I need one?
I can go find one.
No, it's all right.
We're just practically a zoo already.
I just wanted to get a full head count.
I need a drink and I wander back into the forest.
I like to drink.
Greg follows in behind you.
All right, Greg, you go, we'll go grab your bow
and then you can come pick up this firewood
and we'll go, we'll get you to Waterdeep, my friend.
Oh, cool.
I've never been to Waterdeep before.
Looking forward to this.
I got to carry all this firewood though?
Yeah, I mean.
Oh, that seems fair.
Yeah, I'm a long, I'm a team player.
I help him carry the firewood.
I like how I immediately hate any NPC you bring
at us. I always have the same reaction.
It's, oh, god damn it.
Fucking Greg now.
Greg, Greg Grancis, god damn it.
So what's your story there, friend?
Did you get, you guys been together a long time?
Oh, no.
No, stray.
Yeah, I just met these guys earlier.
They busted me out of the pokey.
Oh.
But it was okay.
I mean, I helped them fight some zombies
and they got like sucked into a portal.
Traveling with some prisoners?
Yeah, you know, pretty run-of-the-mill stuff for us.
Yeah, no, that's cool.
Do you know who these guys are?
Well, they looked very familiar
and his cadence was very commanding.
Have you heard of Flint and Thea?
And that beard.
Yeah, Flint and Thea, the decimators of dragons.
And Eulara.
And Eulara, yeah, they're all very great saviors.
We never run into just on the road.
What do you mean this is them?
That's Flint and that's Thea.
Oh, maybe I shouldn't have shot at them with an arrow.
I wasn't too worried about it.
Besides, I recovered Brunor Battle Hammer's battle axe.
So we're good.
Seriously, it's not a fake?
Nah, real deal, baby.
Where'd you get it from?
Baby's, baby's happening.
Yeah, a little magic spell got it for me.
Don't you worry about it.
Wow.
That's really cool.
Okay, so I'm traveling with the people
who saved the world and the prisoner.
We also saved.
Former prisoner.
Jailbird, if you will.
I didn't commit a crime.
I didn't want to join an evil plot.
You guys get back to the campsite
and drop the firewood.
And he looks up at the wagon and says,
is there, is there, is there...
That's just Donnie.
Yeah.
Don't you worry about him.
I was not joking when I was slapping you
and telling you how he had a Wyrmling
who would destroy your group.
I thought you were being paid to say that at that point.
Okay, I'm just, I'm going to go get some more firewood
and I'll be back in a second.
I don't think he's going to be back.
Sure, we'll be here.
Okay, cool.
Yeah, it's good.
Good to see you guys.
I'll be right back.
Yeah, be nice to your brother.
I don't know what you're talking about.
I'll be right back soon.
Inside my bag of holding,
I bring out a tankard of beer and many glasses.
I don't know about you guys,
but a horde of zombies in a disappearing city
makes me want to drink.
Yeah, I'm into it.
Yeah, that'd be nice.
Hey, Donnie, you going to light this fire, buddy?
There you go.
Thanks.
It's lit.
You got any, you cooking up any good stuff?
You catch any animals out there?
I throw him a piece of bread.
This isn't what I was looking for.
As if you're still hungry.
The carbs go straight to my hips.
That's what happens to all of us, Donnie.
Oh, all right.
Well, at least it's not me.
And unless you specifically want to talk about anything else,
Greg does not return.
What?
Shocking.
Weird.
The night rolls on without incident as we fade into the next day.
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Where are you from?
Well, I mean, I'm from...
Sorry, I like to rest this way.
Do you feel, Tom, do you feel like they have a secret?
Yeah, remember they chatted about it last time and they were like,
oh yeah, see you guys later on the Skype call.
We're just going to chat for a little bit.
I'm good.
Look, next time one of you dies, you can have secret secret meetings too.
Fine, Russ, I'll hold you that.
An arrow zips by your head again and says...
The arrow doesn't say the person you're sh-
Oh, I thought it was a talking arrow and I was very excited about it.
Coming in hot.
Dumbgeons and Dragons is a Dumb Dragons production.